In Berlin, Germany, an 18 year old car thief abandoned the vehicle he’d stolen, and then ran into a wooded area to escape police. But little did he know, the area was home to a group of wild boars. The thief was located by police when he started screaming for help. Apparently the boars were angry and trying to defend their young. Their aggression kept the thief from fleeing. He was taken into police custody.
The boars’ ringleader, “Boss Hog”, merely snorted when asked if he felt like a hero. “Nah,” he said. “It’s just another day in the woods. Things can get pretty hairy out here. But let this be a lesson to car thieves everywhere: If you run from the law, you’d best find yourself another hiding place - because the boars don’t take crap from anyone.”
We’ve all been breathlessly following the donkey crisis in Mexico. As weird news goes, it’s hard to beat a donkey that got thrown in prison for fighting. But now we’re happy to announce that “Blackie” (formerly “Bad Ass”) has been freed. His owner paid a fine, plus the medical bills and missed wages of the men that Blackie kicked and bit while in the grips of his mysterious rage.
We have high hopes for Blackie’s rehabilitation, and eagerly await a memoir of his time ‘inside’.
A donkey was thrown in jail in Tuxtla Guiterrez, Mexico. His crime? Biting one victim in the chest, then breaking the ankle of another man who tried to help. When all was said and done, it took half a dozen men to subdue the burro. Witnesses said the animal looked wild and crazy, as though it were rabid.
The donkey will stay in prison until his owner pays the victims’ medical bills. Everyone is cooperating, so hopefully the sentence won’t be too long.
But there are no happy endings for the donkey, who insists on using the nickname “Bad Ass”. His prison term has hardened him. He is now the empty shell of the donkey he once was. When asked how he felt about the imprisonment, he sighed and shook his furry head sadly. “Life on the inside… it changes you,” he said. “I mean, I used to be a horse before I got thrown in here. Now look at me. Prison is rough, y’all. Real rough.”
What’s a valuable African Grey to do when he finds himself lost in Tokyo? About two weeks ago, a parrot named Yosuke found himself in that very predicament. His solution was to wait until he was delivered into the care of a veterinarian, to whom he introduced himself by saying, “I’m Mr. Yosuke Nakamura.” Yosuke then recited his home address, and officials were able to reunite him with his family.
We think it’s a little funny that the bird wouldn’t talk to the cops, even though they rescued him from a rooftop and he stayed in their custody overnight. Policeman Shinjiro Uemura said he tried to be friendly to Yosuke, but the bird wasn’t having any of it. Maybe Yosuke was just waiting for his lawyer.
#2. The Best Flying Fish EVER
Also from Japan, a crazy clip of a flying fish that stayed airborne for 45 seconds:
We don’t know what he puts in his Wheaties, but we want some. This fish is awesome. In fact, he’s more than awesome. He’s… an overachiever! Wait, no. Gosh, we don’t even have words for how awesome he is, but he’s the kind of fish that young guppies aspire to be like. Minnows hang posters of this fish on their walls. This fish is a role-model.
He’s also the longest-flying fish on record, and experts speculate that 45 seconds may be the limit for how long this species can stay aloft. (Of course, this fish would likely scoff at such limitations and go on to make fools of the experts. He is our weird news mascot of the week.)
In the video above, Rossy is flying over the Swiss Alps at speeds reaching 186mph. He uses jet-fuel-powered wings to fly, and steers himself with only the motions of his body. Birds of all kinds are enraged over Rossy’s experiment in human flight.
“I mean, come ON,” said an anonymous spokesbird. “People have everything: cutlery, opposable thumbs, reality shows. Now they want wings and the gift of flight?! I’ll tell ya: my boys ain’t happy. If we ever see Rossy on our turf, we’ll peck his freaking eyes out. If we can catch him.”
It was a shoot-out the likes of which had never been seen in Boulder, Colorado. When it was finished, a restaurant owner and a security company supervisor were left stunned but otherwise unharmed in an underwhelming display of overwhelming stupidity.
Casey M. Dane, a supervisor for Colorado Security Services Inc., got into an argument with Harvey Epstein over a van that was parked behind the Mamacita’s restaurant. Dane claimed that the van was parked on property he’d been hired to patrol, and had a boot clamped on the van’s wheel. Epstein, who co-owns the restaurant, claimed the van belonged to one of his employees, and set out with some bolt-cutters to remove the boot.
Apparently, both guys felt that they were being attacked by the other. Dane put his hand on his holstered pistol. Then both men abandoned their weapons of choice and drew tasers. They aimed. They fired.
When the proverbial smoke had cleared, Police Sgt. Pat Wyton observed, “They shot each other. It was just kind of a bonehead deal.”
Indeed. But though the dust has settled, the spirit of the tazing lives on. Sometimes, on stormy nights when the wind howls across the lonesome prairie, you can still feel the electricity in the air behind the restaurant. On nights such as those, children stay indoors and elders nod sagely. For they know that the restless spirits of Dane and Epstein are destined to relive their epic battle over and over again. FOREVER.
(Ok, not so much. But that would have been a WAY cooler ending than the real one.)
Remember the early days of the X-Files? It was about more than mere aliens. There were tales of vampires, monsters, and bizarre cannibalistic cults that centered on a chicken-picking plant. (I guess people really do taste like chicken?) And who could forget Pusher, and Tooms, and the Human Blockhead (perhaps the most paranormal of them all)? And the substitute teacher who was really the devil? And the creepy death/hair/fingernail fetish guy? And Jesse Ventura? (Our scientific illiteracy made him shudder.) And the entire mutant family from ‘Home’? Now those were really creepy characters. If I were in a dark alley alone, I’d rather run into a conspiratorial alien than any of those guys.
Some of us X-philes still want to believe in the series’ olden, golden days. And lo! Chris Carter has delivered.
Run and read Carter’s interview with USA Today. It looks like the new X-Files movie is a throwback to the classic stand-alone episodes which were crazy, creepy and cool - and which had nothing to do with the show’s complex (some say tiresome) alien colonizing mythology. The new film is designed to stand on its own.
Here’s a leaked movie trailer, complete with jerky videography and audience members walking in front of the camera:
Of course, David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson have reprised their roles as Mulder and Scully. We’re looking forward to seeing what kinds of otherworldly shenanigans they get themselves into.
Well, it’s official: people who think they have seen UFOs have drawn pictures of what they saw. Now everyone can see their really bad artwork here.
Yeah, that was just as anti-climactic for us, too.
I mean, come on. Little kids can draw more realistic pictures than those. Especially the “space-traveling rockets” in the last drawing. You could add a face and a mustache, color it blue, and turn it into Cap’n Crunch. That, at least, would be something. As it is, we think UFO Casebook’s headline about secret pictures being revealed is misleading, and the contents are disappointing. But then again, we’re just sore because we got our hopes up.
Here’s something truly awesome to get your mind off the lame UFO drawings:
Move over, Martha Stewart! Steve Wilder of Omaha, NE, has proved to be the ultimate do-it-yourself’er. How did he accomplish this? By cutting his own throat to save his life.
When Wilder woke up one night and couldn’t catch his breath, he did what any totally awesome and hardcore home surgeon would do: he went to his kitchen, took out a steak knife, and performed a tracheotomy on himself. His reason for not calling 911? The paramedics would have taken too long to arrive.
Once he was stabilized, Wilder detailed his plans to perform an at-home appendectomy followed by the removal of his own tonsils with a specially sharpened ice cream scooper. Said Wilder, “I mean, with the price of health care so high, a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.” (We totally made that part up.)
The Daily Weirdness crew would like to apologize for our lack of activity. In an absolutely unprecedented event, our offices were overrun by Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, and their deceptively small but salivating pet, El Chupacabra. UFOs landed on our front yard, but their inhabitants were quickly repelled by the death rays of reptilian humanoids posing as U.S. Congressmen.
You are unlikely to find news of this event on local or national broadcasts. The Men in Black have become most efficient in their cover-ups. You will, however, find new Daily Weirdness news and commentary in the immediate future.
In Berlin, Germany, an 18 year old car thief abandoned the vehicle he’d stolen, and then ran into a wooded area to escape police. But little did he know, the area was home to a group of wild boars. The thief was located by police when he started screaming for help. Apparently the boars were angry and trying to defend their young. Their aggression kept the thief from fleeing. He was taken into police custody.
breaking the ankle of another man who tried to help. When all was said and done, it took half a dozen men to subdue the burro. Witnesses said the animal looked wild and crazy, as though it were rabid.
What’s a valuable African Grey to do when he finds himself lost in Tokyo? About two weeks ago, a parrot named Yosuke found himself in that very predicament. His solution was to wait until he was delivered into the care of a veterinarian, to whom he introduced himself by saying, “I’m Mr. Yosuke Nakamura.” Yosuke then recited his home address, and officials were able to reunite him with his family.
Move over, Martha Stewart! Steve Wilder of Omaha, NE, has proved to be the ultimate do-it-yourself’er. How did he accomplish this? By cutting his own throat to save his life.
The Daily Weirdness crew would like to apologize for our lack of activity. In an absolutely unprecedented event, our offices were overrun by Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, and their deceptively small but salivating pet, El Chupacabra. UFOs landed on our front yard, but their inhabitants were quickly repelled by the death rays of reptilian humanoids posing as U.S. Congressmen.